As millions of young people do their revision, Relate offers stress advice... to their families

Parents are suffering so much stress over their children's exams that Relate, the relationship counselling body, is offering families guidance on how to cope.

The charity suggests that parents learn to tolerate bad behaviour in the run-up to exams. "Tell yourself it is the stress talking!" it declares. In an advice pamphlet it warns against "extravagant gifts or big amounts of money" as a reward for good marks because it can add to the pressure. And it highlights the impact on siblings, who might become jealous at exam time because of a lack of attention.

The advice comes as millions of young people prepare to sit mocks, modules, GCSEs, A-levels, or university finals. "The anxiety of exams cannot only be hard on the student, but also on the rest of the family too," it says.

Lin Griffiths, a counsellor at Relate for Parents – the part of the charity releasing the advice – argued that exam stress could make young people irritable. "They may storm out, slam doors, be disagreeable," she said. "Normally you would have a go at them. But at exam time, maybe back off. When they shout, try to imagine it is not them but the stress talking."

But she also warned parents to be aware of younger siblings: "If they see their eldest brother or sister getting away with murder when they can't, then that can create a ripple effect. The younger child might give you a really bad time."

Griffiths explained why mothers and fathers become so anxious: "Exams are the one thing as a parent that you can't do for them."

One mother, Fiona MacLellan, has written an account for the charity about her stress. It begins: "The May sun streaming through the assembly hall windows, the cherry tree blossom still heavy on the trees, the smell of freshly-mown grass, the sound of bees buzzing and birds singing. It can only mean one thing. Exam time! But it's not just the kids that are suffering. It's us!"

MacLellan talks about the "dread" of leaving her "better half" to wake their 16-year-old for revision. "No amount of texts or helpful advice is going to get him started before noon," she writes. "I seek advice from my mum. How on earth did she cope? Of course! There was no policing. There was no nagging. We had independence and trust."

Roy Shuttleworth, a clinical psychologist, agreed that times had changed, with some people becoming "exam obsessed" because of the number of tests. "When I think back to my own childhood, we were under far less stress and expectation than children are today. They start much earlier, with lots going to extra study classes."

As exam season is now under way, the issue has become the focus of online chatrooms aimed at parents. Mothers swapping tips on the Mumsnet website suggested: "Lots of water... Also daily exercise – a bit like a puppy... An ability to tiptoe round a stroppy teenager."

Justine Roberts, co-founder of the site, said: "For many parents marshalling their kids through exams is as stressful as doing the things themselves. Mumsnetters advise taking a deep breath, remembering that your offspring may revise differently to you, are liable to be at their most unreasonable during exam time, and that all you can do is to ease the process and offer gentle encouragement. You can lead a horse to water..."